V - Performing with balls (of ice-cream)

1. Props can be unpredictable

And so the moment to top all moments in Howie’s Hall of Shamelessness arrived… Je T’Aimey’s cabaret. This was billed as a weird and wonderful evening of nipple tassels, soul and… ice-cream, upstairs at Islington’s The Lexington. My act, Livvy Licklots, was inspired by Surrey Opera’s recent production of Gilbert & Sullivan’s The Gondoliers (this fantastic semi-professional company, who I Assistant Direct for, can make anything out of anything; they kindly lent me the punting pole…) as well as my safety-net of a song; Big Spender. (I get greeted by some of my Mancunian friends with the infamous riff duh duh de duh drrrruh dem…).

As I stood nervously at the bar, clutching my punting pole and wishing that I’d left my Cornetto in the freezer just a tad longer, I wondered how Je’Taimey had convinced me to perform after a couple of West End stars and a pretty astonishing Burlesque act (you haven’t experienced amazing breasts until you’ve experienced Duchess Divine). Before I knew it, her clothes were off and I was ‘punting’ to the stage, navigating my way (in the highest heels I’ve ever attempted) between the cabaret tables, fairy lights, steps up to the stage and to the microphone… no backing out now!

My arm lifted into the air as the piano tinkled higher, and then I reached into my corseted cleavage to retrieve the Cornetto… “Just a Oneeeee Cornettoooo!!!” Thankfully my voice worked, and although it doesn’t match the Gondolier man from the Cornetto advert, I like to think it’s a pretty admirable attempt for a woman. The crowd clapped as I eventually found the high note, bowed and ripped off the wrapper, taking a lick of ice-cream as the tune changed to… duh duh de duh drrruh dem…

The minute I ripped off your wrap (DUH DUM)

I could taste you were a cone of distinction… a walls cornetto…

etc…

(My proudest line was:

Good lickin’, you’ll do the job,

Say wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on in my GOB!)

At that precise moment in fact, Cornetto having suffered slightly from the heat of the lights, a huge ball of ice-cream flung off the cone, narrowly missed Chris (the wonderful accompanist/Musical Director) and landed on the back-curtain! This was all too much for the crowd and myself (I had to take a moment to recoup) but I felt it was what was needed to make my act so… special.

You can imagine the remainder (or come to the next show to see for yourself) but I think Je T’Aimey (aka Amy Dowd who made a marvelous host and performer) put it bluntly, summing up: “Only Olivia would have the balls to do that”.

2. Be memorable at interviews

Talking of balls, (or maybe bulls***), have you seen the new Apprentice Candidates?! The BBC certainly knows how to create a buzz, using the show’s website as a preview platform for us to pre-judge this year’s candidates a week in advance, and already cause a Twitter stir (a Twitstir?)

My favourite interview quotes are:

“Maybe Lord Sugar will think this guy’s too sweet to be wholesome”.

“The Apprentice is a bit like… The Olympics”.

“I’m driven… I’m hungry”.

“Why would an Eskimo buy ice?” …

Also, look out for this year’s Stuart Baggs, Mr I’ve-Done-It-All Gavin Winstanley.

That’s definitely a show in which I’d prefer to be behind the cameras.